Massive Crime Wave Sweeps the Country
Written by Garry Reed
Wednesday, 12 December 2007
It's a nice sunny day so you decide to go anti-war protesting
with your friends.
You will be arrested.
If you obey all the rules, demonstrate peacefully, don't trespass
or block building entrances, or obstruct public sidewalks or impede
auto traffic, or destroy property and don't run with scissors,
you will still be arrested.
You may be arrested for kneeling or shrugging or leafleting or
wearing a plain T-shirt or holding a bucket of paste.
It has become illegal in the USSA to unknowingly break unknown,
never-before-heard-of laws while protesting war.
It will be impossible for you to know what these laws might be.
The only way you can find out what is illegal is to simply do
something and then see if you get arrested for it.
To help you plan your day of protesting (never leave the house
without clean underwear) you should thoroughly familiarize yourself
with the following true-life events, amassed from the mass media
over the past 18 months or so.
Associated Press: Police arrested demonstrators for kneeling
on the sidewalk at a rally near the United Nations. The article
never mentions why kneeling is illegal. So be very careful how
you address an untied shoelace the next time you're walking along
on a public sidewalk.
During the same rally, a person wearing a Bush mask was arrested.
City councilcrats apparently sneaked a law onto the books making
it illegal to impersonate a Republican president. President masks
are commonly sold in party stores during Halloween. Be prepared
for SWAT raids.
UPI article: A black minister was charged with disorderly conduct
and assaulting a police officer during a Washington, D.C., protest.
The story never identified what conduct was disorderly. Breathing
while black, perhaps?
However, the assault charge was explained. A police officer placed
his hands on the minister's shoulders and the minister shrugged
them off. One can easily imagine the officer's courtroom testimony:
"The perpetrator assaulted me with a violent shoulder shrug."
Washington Post: During an attempt by demonstrators to post signs
on public property advertising a protest march, a woman holding
a bucket of paste was arrested. It isn't explained how bucket-holding
is threatening to civic tranquility.
Ah, but Agence France-Presse reports the rest of the story: Washington
citycrats claimed the posters were stuck up with adhesives that
didn't meet city code, while the protesters were there specifically
to prove that their paste was legal.
So what was the bucket-holder charged with? Possession of a bonding
agent with intent to apply?
From an anti-war Web site: Two activists wearing T-shirts that
read "Iraq Veterans Against the War" approached Fort
Benning gate guards to ask about access. They were promptly handcuffed
and arrested. A third activist removed his politically incorrect
T-shirt and replaced it with a plain T-shirt. He approached the
Fort Benning gate guards to ask about access. He was promptly
handcuffed and arrested.
Moral: Gate guards will not tolerate T-shirts.
CBS Chicago: Six anti-war activists were arrested for passing
out leaflets during a food fair in a city park. No further explanation
was offered. Is leafleting illegal in Chicago? Were they guilty
of leafleting without a hall pass? Were they charged with possession
of leaflets with intent to distribute? Coercive leafleting? Threatening
to paper-cut someone?
After conducting exhaustive professional Googling for this article,
no evidence could be found indicating that a single pro-war demonstrator
has ever been arrested. There are two possible explanations for
this: (1) Pro-war demonstrators are absolute models of law-abiding
citizendroids, or (2) Nobody ever, in history, in any country,
gets arrested for supporting a sitting president's pet war.
A final note: You will now be arrested for reading this subversive
Sorry about that. Hope you're wearing clean underwear.